Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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