I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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