I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
