don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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