Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
