i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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