Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize