u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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