we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
