if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
