I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
