The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize