You work out of a Hotel?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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