Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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