so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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