Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
