Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
