Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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