Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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