Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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