so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
