Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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