my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
