my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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