do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
