I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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