Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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