this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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