She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize