can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
