I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
