Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

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(216): View more from Ohio

the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

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(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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(850): View more from Florida

Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.

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