I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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