so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize