apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
