He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
