people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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