My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
