my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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