I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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