I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
