I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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