Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
