Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
