My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize