I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Still dying that you shit outside
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
