I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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