Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
