i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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