laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
