She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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