Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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