i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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