Duck Duck Cougar?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
