Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
