im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
