Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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