I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
