Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
