He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
