i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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