i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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