Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
