i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize