8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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